Pudding

This christmas seems like a disaster compared to last years christmas. I have no plans at all. I suppose some may feel that having all of your family over and cooking a big meal and children running around sounds like a stress filled day and with my family, believe me it could end with blows to the head but I feel sad and alone. I want my little jellybeans running around playing with their toys and I want my mom (as crazy as she is) to be here making me angry and annoying the hell out of me. I want my grandma to be in the kitchen right behind me setting things up and I want my husband getting a little tipsy so he can deal with my mother. I want my grandpa on the couch asking me questions about what I am making and telling me "Oh boy I Can't Wait to Taste That" or "You are Making it all From Scratch?"

Once I slaved over a stove when I lived next door to my grandparents making Butternut Squash Bisque. I was very proud of it. It tasted amazing but was a little on the thick side. It was my first try at that recipe. I got out my fancy plate and my fancy bowl, I poured the bisque into the bowl. I topped it with cool whip, and garnished it with a sprig of mint. Walked it over to my grandfathers house next door and sat him down and made him taste it. He began doing the typical ummmss and other sounds when someone tries something they like. He took a couple more spoonfuls and asked me what it was called again. I answered with "It's Butternut Squash Bisque Papa... Its Like Soup... Bisque is Like a Soup." He replies with... "Its More Like a Pudding, isn't it?" I said yeah Papa I guess it is... Laughing my ass off. I would give anything to hear him say that again. Just the tone of his voice made me crack up uncontrollably. He took the seriousness of the hours it took to make it out. Just threw it out the window and made me relax. I miss him. Last Christmas was my last with him. He didn't do much that day, and was confused about most things in general but I could see him, hear him, and smell him. Now I just have a memory. And although they certainly are the best memories a "grand" daughter could ask for, I want him here.

Tomorrow my grandfather would want me to drive to my grandmothers house and pick her up and do something special with her. Im crying, right now. Tears are rolling down my face. I think I will do what would make him proud and I think I will do what will make her happy tomorrow since it is her first Christmas without him as well. Oh god! I just want him here! Right now! I wish you could show me a sign, push something over, turn a light on, touch me. I love you My "GRAND' father. I miss you everyday.

The Haps

Where to begin. I'm depressed. Deeply deeply depressed. I should probably get some help for it too. I try not to worry about it because I pretend all day that I am not... At work, with friends, family, my husband and now his children. When I am by myself I cry, get upset at nothing, criticize myself... Its just bad. I feel like I cannot explain what is happening to me. I really have no real reason to be depressed. I'm happy normally.

My grandfather is going downhill daily. I have to work, I would like to be with him everyday but I cannot be. My grandmother is hurtful and mean at times because she resents the fact that she has to take care of him. My family is pretending like this isn't happening and the only one who has helped me is the one who lives the farthest. Right now I hate and resent all of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. My Mother and my Sister are a different Blog entirely.

Work sucks... That's it. My employers do not care about me. I'm loosing interest.

My best friend told me she was going to pay for my trip to Colorado to see her graduate from Nursing School. Then she said it wasn't something on her mind (me) and never called me the 3 times she said she would, so when the ticket prices got higher at the last minute she said that she didn't want to pay for it anymore. I think this has affected me the most. The whole thing was her idea. I did my part by calling her and reminding her like she asked me to. I waited patiently and never once obligated her to buy the tickets. I even said that if she didn't want to she didn't have too. I didn't want to mooch, or be the poor friend who has to have someone else buy her tickets for her. Well she said that was not the case and that she would call me that Sunday, and that never happened. Then she told me through text message she wasn't going to buy the tickets. She said if I could pitch in she would do it but I didn't have any money to pitch in. If she would have told me what she wanted to spend earlier I would have been able to save the money for months. I do not have a disposable income like she has now.

She said it just wasn't on her mind. Now many of you don't know this but I am a VERY sensitive person. I take everything to heart and cry very often when I'm feeling hurt. What that translated into for ME was that I wasn't thinking about you Ragan.

I WANTED that mini vacation away from everything in Florida more than anything in the whole world. I wanted to see her, her amazing children, her awesome family and see Colorado and her new home. I hate Florida, I hate my house, I hate my family. I needed a break. I just needed a fucking break from my grandpa, grandma, mom, sister, work, clients, animals, even Tom. I love him and I would have missed him but I would have came home and he would have been waiting for me, waiting to hug and kiss me. I can honestly say that my husband is now my best friend. He would never do something like that to hurt me or make me feel unimportant.

As I type this I am crying again. It still bothers me. I wanna talk about it with her but I will do one of those hysterical crying things and she will not understand a word I say. Even if I never talk to her again, it wouldn't affect her at all, she has suffered the worst hurt ever ans she is never coming back from what happened to her. When your Husband dies nothing hurts worse. But just because you focus on yourself doesn't mean you treat other people bad, or stop realizing how friends should be treated. I hurt with her. I cried for her and her family. I love her. I would do it again if I had to. I just feel brushed aside and very very hurt. I lost her once when she moved to Alaska with Randy and she and I didn't talk for the longest time, I don't want to loose her again, but if it means I stand up for how she made me feel than I guess I have to do it for me and my principals.


Well I wanted this to be long but I cannot take much more, Im sobbing and Tom is coming home soon from picking the kids up. I can't cry around them.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I'll have more soon hopefully!

Boma

Today was a wonderful day.  After Tom came home from work we went to the Animal Kingdom Lodge with my grandparents.  We had a margarita by the reserve where you can see all of the wild life and we sat on rocking chairs relaxing.  Then we went to the Jambo House and had an amazing meal at Boma, the buffet style restaurant that has may varieties of African food.  It was so delicious!  They asked us if we would accept being the "Family of the Day" and introduced us to everyone waiting to be seated.  They played the drums on the way in to the market style restaurant and walked us over a bridge and sat us first.  They also handed us a certificate that said the McCausland Family is Boma's Family of the Day!  I think I will be going back there as soon as possible!  

On a side note, my Grandfathers memory has slipped and is going downhill very very fast.  My Grandfather could not remember simple things today like where we were going or what we were doing.  He didn't remember that I was engaged once again, I have to tell him on a weekly basis.  I have been doing that since April 1st, when I was engaged, but today I got to show him the ring.  He didn't remember going to the Animal Kingdom Park, he didn't remember that we took two cars or what direction Right was in.  I was showing him something while we were driving and I said to the right and he was looking to the left and telling me yes I see it and it was completely the wrong direction.  I had to correct him and point it out for him again.  I made my Grandma bring an extra pair of clothes for him in case he had any accidents like he is having more frequently now and when he asked us why, I told him and he didn't ever remember having an accident ever in his life.  Their car smells like urine, from when he does have one and he has to leave where ever he is at, and he sits on the seats in his car.  He also had no recollection of where we were on disney property or on the way home.  

I told him I wanted him to stop driving because he will get lost "again"(2 weeks ago) and he laughed at me.  

Dinner was delicious though...