The Thoughts That Run Through My Head

As I sit here in someone else's house, in their living room I feel like what I am and what I do is no longer important. I feel lost somehow. How did I get to the point of feeling like I am worth nothing. Most mornings I wake up and go to someone's house to watch their child. I don't even get to appreciate the morning or have breakfast with my husband. I don't feel like my time is valuable, I don't do anything productive during the day. Well it is not my house, Im not going to clean their closets out and re-arrange them them the way I think they should be, Im not going to do their laundry. But I don't have time during the week to do anything productive in my own home because I am at somebody else's. I don't have the opportunity to do something and feel like I should have done it because everyone loves it, or hear something like Oh wow! That looks great! Who did that? It was Ragan...

No don't get me wrong, I appreciate the work I do, and I know I am good at taking care of someone else's child but I just feel like I have had it with this shit life I have created for myself. I used to be happy, I saved animals lives, I cared for their wounds, I healed them and helped them live longer healthier lives. I did right by their owners and the people who love them. I worked for a messed up organization who treated their employees like crap but I still loved what I did. Yesterday I found out that one of the girls I worked with overdosed 18 cats with too much anesthesia(an entire Surgery List). I couldn't believe what I had read. I think back to when I worked there and I feel like I did my job so well that I know that would have never happened. I helped everyone, I watched everything, I kept an eye on things and I knew my shit. I feel bad for those owners who are kept in the dark about things like that. Imagine if it was your human child or human family member. Everyone deserves to have the same quality service wether the prices are lower or not.

I was worth nothing to them. I was worth nothing to the job I just recently lost. Am I bad at what I did? I tried my hardest, the best I could do. It is having things like this happen to you over the years that really get a person down. I know that I am a good caregiver for animals and children, I know that I cared for Ralph as best as I could, the outcome was not optimistic, it was cancer, but I did my best. I cared for my grandfather as best as my family would allow. I couldn't spend everyday with him, I had to work. I couldn't cook every meal for him. I couldn't save him.

Sometimes I let these things bother me and I think to myself, why do I? Nobody else seems to care. I always pretend like I am so happy, or I try to be funny for people. But I really think that if I acted like I felt most of the time nobody would even want to hang around me. Nobody really does. I have to ask most of my friends if they are doing something because nobody invites me anywhere. If I didn't act the way I do around my husband, I think we would always sit in silence on opposite ends of the house. Sometimes I feel like he just talks to me because he feels bad for me. I know that is not the case and he loves me very much like I love him very much but this morning was just a bad morning. It was just a bad morning. I need an intervention for my sadness.