My Dream

Last night Tom went to a concert with friends. I went to sleep very early, and had a dream. I rarely remember them so it is important.

I was talking to my Titi, she said that she had received some of the cash that she had been waiting for from her divorce from my uncle. She said finally I can take care of everyone now. She and I were laughing about his temper and why all of this took so long and she asked me if I would join her on a mini vacation to Europe. I told her sure, I would love to come, and I asked her if Tom could come as well and she said of course. Then in my dream I was pondering the things I really need. The most important things that I need. Suddenly we were at my grandparents house and it was pouring rain. Like a tour guide I asked her to follow me through the house. My papa was in bed sleeping and I turned on the light to the bedroom and showed her the water leaking from the ceiling, the terrazzo floors covered in water and the droplets of water falling on my grandfather as he slept.

Suddenly we were at my home and she said it was cute. Rain poured in my dream, it was so loud. Like a deluge. I walked her into my bathroom and showed her where my ceiling is leaking as well, the black mold that has grown on the ceiling and showed her my eyes and how they get swollen when I spend a significant amount of time in my room because Im allergic to it. I showed her the spot under my sink where the water is leaking from the garbage disposal and how all of the wood needs to be replaced. Then I brought her back to the guest bathroom where the same thing is happening with the ceiling. My floors are wet and I slip in the bathroom. My Titi helps me up.

She said Ragan I had no idea these things are more important to you then going on a vacation. I told her that although a vacation would be nice, I would have to come back to all of these problems when it was through. She just smiled. With tears in my eyes, my voice soft, my throat dry and painful, like I was about to vomit rocks, I asked her to buy me a new home, where I could take care of my grandparents, live closer to work, have land for a vegetable garden, have some chickens for eggs, have a cow for milk and have the means to take care of the two people who have taken care of me for most of my life. I have disappointed everyone since I can remember and I don't want to disappoint those two people ever again. I can't let them down in their time of need.

I told her about my new job, and how it is a chance for me to make more money, and that I wouldn't need much help after the cost of a home is taken away. If she could just do that, I would never ask her for another thing ever again. I would be able to get back on my feet and save money and be better off.

I woke up with Tom next to me and with tears in my eyes... Hey a girl can dream can't she.

Im going to be 29 years old and I will admit I have made mistakes... Like never going to College and remaining in a terrible relationship with Jose. Missing car payments, being late on bills. But I do live a good, clean life. I don't steal, I have never been pregnant, never had an abortion like my sister. Besides trying to kill myself I think that Im a pretty well rounded human being with a kind heart. At times I think about how everyone else's life would be better if and when I die because I have disappointed so many people. I wish that I could just vanish with Tom and never hurt anyone ever again. Even better... Just erase the memories of me so no one in my family would know who I am or speak of me again. I was born to the wrong Mother. I should of had a different one. A more ambitious one, one who married a doctor like my other two titi's. My mother never encouraged any good behavior. She showed me that working pays the bills. And that women were to be hit and abused. She showed me that fighting was the way to get things like a smack across the face by your boyfriend or left to be homeless. She showed my that asking for help was okay, but never told me how much it hurts. She taught me to always yell. She taught me that any man can be your boyfriend, all you have to do is fight with him a lot and try and change him so he can do everything your way. She taught me that she can disappear and then come home and everything would be okay...

Instead I am good, I have worked since I was 16 years old, have never been hit by a boyfriend or my husband, I now never fight with anyone, and although I have come close, I have never been homeless. I do ask for help only when I have come close to loosing something or have already lost it, and in fact I hardly raise my voice. I never try to change anyone, what is the point?

I cry a lot, I get down on myself a lot, I avoid conflict most of the time. Everyone expects me to be perfect. I just wont happen.

Im not sure where I will be in a year from now but I have a feeling its going to be the same place. I don't want it to be.

My Dream is to start over somewhere new. It wont take much, just a little courage.