The Haps

Where to begin. I'm depressed. Deeply deeply depressed. I should probably get some help for it too. I try not to worry about it because I pretend all day that I am not... At work, with friends, family, my husband and now his children. When I am by myself I cry, get upset at nothing, criticize myself... Its just bad. I feel like I cannot explain what is happening to me. I really have no real reason to be depressed. I'm happy normally.

My grandfather is going downhill daily. I have to work, I would like to be with him everyday but I cannot be. My grandmother is hurtful and mean at times because she resents the fact that she has to take care of him. My family is pretending like this isn't happening and the only one who has helped me is the one who lives the farthest. Right now I hate and resent all of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. My Mother and my Sister are a different Blog entirely.

Work sucks... That's it. My employers do not care about me. I'm loosing interest.

My best friend told me she was going to pay for my trip to Colorado to see her graduate from Nursing School. Then she said it wasn't something on her mind (me) and never called me the 3 times she said she would, so when the ticket prices got higher at the last minute she said that she didn't want to pay for it anymore. I think this has affected me the most. The whole thing was her idea. I did my part by calling her and reminding her like she asked me to. I waited patiently and never once obligated her to buy the tickets. I even said that if she didn't want to she didn't have too. I didn't want to mooch, or be the poor friend who has to have someone else buy her tickets for her. Well she said that was not the case and that she would call me that Sunday, and that never happened. Then she told me through text message she wasn't going to buy the tickets. She said if I could pitch in she would do it but I didn't have any money to pitch in. If she would have told me what she wanted to spend earlier I would have been able to save the money for months. I do not have a disposable income like she has now.

She said it just wasn't on her mind. Now many of you don't know this but I am a VERY sensitive person. I take everything to heart and cry very often when I'm feeling hurt. What that translated into for ME was that I wasn't thinking about you Ragan.

I WANTED that mini vacation away from everything in Florida more than anything in the whole world. I wanted to see her, her amazing children, her awesome family and see Colorado and her new home. I hate Florida, I hate my house, I hate my family. I needed a break. I just needed a fucking break from my grandpa, grandma, mom, sister, work, clients, animals, even Tom. I love him and I would have missed him but I would have came home and he would have been waiting for me, waiting to hug and kiss me. I can honestly say that my husband is now my best friend. He would never do something like that to hurt me or make me feel unimportant.

As I type this I am crying again. It still bothers me. I wanna talk about it with her but I will do one of those hysterical crying things and she will not understand a word I say. Even if I never talk to her again, it wouldn't affect her at all, she has suffered the worst hurt ever ans she is never coming back from what happened to her. When your Husband dies nothing hurts worse. But just because you focus on yourself doesn't mean you treat other people bad, or stop realizing how friends should be treated. I hurt with her. I cried for her and her family. I love her. I would do it again if I had to. I just feel brushed aside and very very hurt. I lost her once when she moved to Alaska with Randy and she and I didn't talk for the longest time, I don't want to loose her again, but if it means I stand up for how she made me feel than I guess I have to do it for me and my principals.


Well I wanted this to be long but I cannot take much more, Im sobbing and Tom is coming home soon from picking the kids up. I can't cry around them.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I'll have more soon hopefully!