Pudding

This christmas seems like a disaster compared to last years christmas. I have no plans at all. I suppose some may feel that having all of your family over and cooking a big meal and children running around sounds like a stress filled day and with my family, believe me it could end with blows to the head but I feel sad and alone. I want my little jellybeans running around playing with their toys and I want my mom (as crazy as she is) to be here making me angry and annoying the hell out of me. I want my grandma to be in the kitchen right behind me setting things up and I want my husband getting a little tipsy so he can deal with my mother. I want my grandpa on the couch asking me questions about what I am making and telling me "Oh boy I Can't Wait to Taste That" or "You are Making it all From Scratch?"

Once I slaved over a stove when I lived next door to my grandparents making Butternut Squash Bisque. I was very proud of it. It tasted amazing but was a little on the thick side. It was my first try at that recipe. I got out my fancy plate and my fancy bowl, I poured the bisque into the bowl. I topped it with cool whip, and garnished it with a sprig of mint. Walked it over to my grandfathers house next door and sat him down and made him taste it. He began doing the typical ummmss and other sounds when someone tries something they like. He took a couple more spoonfuls and asked me what it was called again. I answered with "It's Butternut Squash Bisque Papa... Its Like Soup... Bisque is Like a Soup." He replies with... "Its More Like a Pudding, isn't it?" I said yeah Papa I guess it is... Laughing my ass off. I would give anything to hear him say that again. Just the tone of his voice made me crack up uncontrollably. He took the seriousness of the hours it took to make it out. Just threw it out the window and made me relax. I miss him. Last Christmas was my last with him. He didn't do much that day, and was confused about most things in general but I could see him, hear him, and smell him. Now I just have a memory. And although they certainly are the best memories a "grand" daughter could ask for, I want him here.

Tomorrow my grandfather would want me to drive to my grandmothers house and pick her up and do something special with her. Im crying, right now. Tears are rolling down my face. I think I will do what would make him proud and I think I will do what will make her happy tomorrow since it is her first Christmas without him as well. Oh god! I just want him here! Right now! I wish you could show me a sign, push something over, turn a light on, touch me. I love you My "GRAND' father. I miss you everyday.

The Springs

Tonight I am in Colorado Springs. I am here because I am watching Katie's kids while she is in Orlando with her new fiance Eddie. I am in a beautiful home, a beautiful city with tears streaming down my face why Aubry and Austin are watching "Cars". I should be happy, Im doing what I love to do more than anything which is travel, but I am so sad and upset for some reason. Maybe it is because I would like a home just like this one. Maybe it is because I know that Everything in my life is so different from most peoples lives. Sometime I feel like my life is so insignificant. So unimportant. I feel like I have done so much for everyone I love. I feel like I have devoted my life to a career that has gotten my nowhere. I should have done something different. I feel like the right choices I have made, the devotion I have put into my passion, I feel like it has let me down when I never let it down at all. Maybe I did and I just don't know it. Im going to have to spring back from this feeling if I am going to find a new job. I just don't have the drive.

My Dream

Last night Tom went to a concert with friends. I went to sleep very early, and had a dream. I rarely remember them so it is important.

I was talking to my Titi, she said that she had received some of the cash that she had been waiting for from her divorce from my uncle. She said finally I can take care of everyone now. She and I were laughing about his temper and why all of this took so long and she asked me if I would join her on a mini vacation to Europe. I told her sure, I would love to come, and I asked her if Tom could come as well and she said of course. Then in my dream I was pondering the things I really need. The most important things that I need. Suddenly we were at my grandparents house and it was pouring rain. Like a tour guide I asked her to follow me through the house. My papa was in bed sleeping and I turned on the light to the bedroom and showed her the water leaking from the ceiling, the terrazzo floors covered in water and the droplets of water falling on my grandfather as he slept.

Suddenly we were at my home and she said it was cute. Rain poured in my dream, it was so loud. Like a deluge. I walked her into my bathroom and showed her where my ceiling is leaking as well, the black mold that has grown on the ceiling and showed her my eyes and how they get swollen when I spend a significant amount of time in my room because Im allergic to it. I showed her the spot under my sink where the water is leaking from the garbage disposal and how all of the wood needs to be replaced. Then I brought her back to the guest bathroom where the same thing is happening with the ceiling. My floors are wet and I slip in the bathroom. My Titi helps me up.

She said Ragan I had no idea these things are more important to you then going on a vacation. I told her that although a vacation would be nice, I would have to come back to all of these problems when it was through. She just smiled. With tears in my eyes, my voice soft, my throat dry and painful, like I was about to vomit rocks, I asked her to buy me a new home, where I could take care of my grandparents, live closer to work, have land for a vegetable garden, have some chickens for eggs, have a cow for milk and have the means to take care of the two people who have taken care of me for most of my life. I have disappointed everyone since I can remember and I don't want to disappoint those two people ever again. I can't let them down in their time of need.

I told her about my new job, and how it is a chance for me to make more money, and that I wouldn't need much help after the cost of a home is taken away. If she could just do that, I would never ask her for another thing ever again. I would be able to get back on my feet and save money and be better off.

I woke up with Tom next to me and with tears in my eyes... Hey a girl can dream can't she.

Im going to be 29 years old and I will admit I have made mistakes... Like never going to College and remaining in a terrible relationship with Jose. Missing car payments, being late on bills. But I do live a good, clean life. I don't steal, I have never been pregnant, never had an abortion like my sister. Besides trying to kill myself I think that Im a pretty well rounded human being with a kind heart. At times I think about how everyone else's life would be better if and when I die because I have disappointed so many people. I wish that I could just vanish with Tom and never hurt anyone ever again. Even better... Just erase the memories of me so no one in my family would know who I am or speak of me again. I was born to the wrong Mother. I should of had a different one. A more ambitious one, one who married a doctor like my other two titi's. My mother never encouraged any good behavior. She showed me that working pays the bills. And that women were to be hit and abused. She showed me that fighting was the way to get things like a smack across the face by your boyfriend or left to be homeless. She showed my that asking for help was okay, but never told me how much it hurts. She taught me to always yell. She taught me that any man can be your boyfriend, all you have to do is fight with him a lot and try and change him so he can do everything your way. She taught me that she can disappear and then come home and everything would be okay...

Instead I am good, I have worked since I was 16 years old, have never been hit by a boyfriend or my husband, I now never fight with anyone, and although I have come close, I have never been homeless. I do ask for help only when I have come close to loosing something or have already lost it, and in fact I hardly raise my voice. I never try to change anyone, what is the point?

I cry a lot, I get down on myself a lot, I avoid conflict most of the time. Everyone expects me to be perfect. I just wont happen.

Im not sure where I will be in a year from now but I have a feeling its going to be the same place. I don't want it to be.

My Dream is to start over somewhere new. It wont take much, just a little courage.

The Haps

Where to begin. I'm depressed. Deeply deeply depressed. I should probably get some help for it too. I try not to worry about it because I pretend all day that I am not... At work, with friends, family, my husband and now his children. When I am by myself I cry, get upset at nothing, criticize myself... Its just bad. I feel like I cannot explain what is happening to me. I really have no real reason to be depressed. I'm happy normally.

My grandfather is going downhill daily. I have to work, I would like to be with him everyday but I cannot be. My grandmother is hurtful and mean at times because she resents the fact that she has to take care of him. My family is pretending like this isn't happening and the only one who has helped me is the one who lives the farthest. Right now I hate and resent all of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. My Mother and my Sister are a different Blog entirely.

Work sucks... That's it. My employers do not care about me. I'm loosing interest.

My best friend told me she was going to pay for my trip to Colorado to see her graduate from Nursing School. Then she said it wasn't something on her mind (me) and never called me the 3 times she said she would, so when the ticket prices got higher at the last minute she said that she didn't want to pay for it anymore. I think this has affected me the most. The whole thing was her idea. I did my part by calling her and reminding her like she asked me to. I waited patiently and never once obligated her to buy the tickets. I even said that if she didn't want to she didn't have too. I didn't want to mooch, or be the poor friend who has to have someone else buy her tickets for her. Well she said that was not the case and that she would call me that Sunday, and that never happened. Then she told me through text message she wasn't going to buy the tickets. She said if I could pitch in she would do it but I didn't have any money to pitch in. If she would have told me what she wanted to spend earlier I would have been able to save the money for months. I do not have a disposable income like she has now.

She said it just wasn't on her mind. Now many of you don't know this but I am a VERY sensitive person. I take everything to heart and cry very often when I'm feeling hurt. What that translated into for ME was that I wasn't thinking about you Ragan.

I WANTED that mini vacation away from everything in Florida more than anything in the whole world. I wanted to see her, her amazing children, her awesome family and see Colorado and her new home. I hate Florida, I hate my house, I hate my family. I needed a break. I just needed a fucking break from my grandpa, grandma, mom, sister, work, clients, animals, even Tom. I love him and I would have missed him but I would have came home and he would have been waiting for me, waiting to hug and kiss me. I can honestly say that my husband is now my best friend. He would never do something like that to hurt me or make me feel unimportant.

As I type this I am crying again. It still bothers me. I wanna talk about it with her but I will do one of those hysterical crying things and she will not understand a word I say. Even if I never talk to her again, it wouldn't affect her at all, she has suffered the worst hurt ever ans she is never coming back from what happened to her. When your Husband dies nothing hurts worse. But just because you focus on yourself doesn't mean you treat other people bad, or stop realizing how friends should be treated. I hurt with her. I cried for her and her family. I love her. I would do it again if I had to. I just feel brushed aside and very very hurt. I lost her once when she moved to Alaska with Randy and she and I didn't talk for the longest time, I don't want to loose her again, but if it means I stand up for how she made me feel than I guess I have to do it for me and my principals.


Well I wanted this to be long but I cannot take much more, Im sobbing and Tom is coming home soon from picking the kids up. I can't cry around them.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I'll have more soon hopefully!

Boma

Today was a wonderful day.  After Tom came home from work we went to the Animal Kingdom Lodge with my grandparents.  We had a margarita by the reserve where you can see all of the wild life and we sat on rocking chairs relaxing.  Then we went to the Jambo House and had an amazing meal at Boma, the buffet style restaurant that has may varieties of African food.  It was so delicious!  They asked us if we would accept being the "Family of the Day" and introduced us to everyone waiting to be seated.  They played the drums on the way in to the market style restaurant and walked us over a bridge and sat us first.  They also handed us a certificate that said the McCausland Family is Boma's Family of the Day!  I think I will be going back there as soon as possible!  

On a side note, my Grandfathers memory has slipped and is going downhill very very fast.  My Grandfather could not remember simple things today like where we were going or what we were doing.  He didn't remember that I was engaged once again, I have to tell him on a weekly basis.  I have been doing that since April 1st, when I was engaged, but today I got to show him the ring.  He didn't remember going to the Animal Kingdom Park, he didn't remember that we took two cars or what direction Right was in.  I was showing him something while we were driving and I said to the right and he was looking to the left and telling me yes I see it and it was completely the wrong direction.  I had to correct him and point it out for him again.  I made my Grandma bring an extra pair of clothes for him in case he had any accidents like he is having more frequently now and when he asked us why, I told him and he didn't ever remember having an accident ever in his life.  Their car smells like urine, from when he does have one and he has to leave where ever he is at, and he sits on the seats in his car.  He also had no recollection of where we were on disney property or on the way home.  

I told him I wanted him to stop driving because he will get lost "again"(2 weeks ago) and he laughed at me.  

Dinner was delicious though...

My Ring!!

Last night we picked up my ring.  I was so excited.  Tom was super excited as well!  I am very fortunate to have a man who understands the kind of person I am...  He let me pick out my ring.  I picked a Black Diamond Engagement Ring Set...  Im not very traditional as far as most things go, so I went the other route.  Plus I love Black and I thought it represented me and my style well.  Its weird having this thing on my finger but it looks so beautiful and represents our relationship, lucky for me by the end of my work day I didn't even notice it!  I think it will become more natural as the days go by...  

Several pictures for everyone!  

The New Year...

Well the new year is upon us once more, everyone gets so excited for New Years Eve and everyone wants to do something fun.  I just couldn't get pumped up this year.  Tom and I are just as wonderful as ever and I am still loving my life with him, but its like he is all I want.  I don't need anything else.  I look forward to things, but things I look forward to are never in my grasp.  So step by step we will set out to accomplish our goals.  His first goal I think was to buy my engagement ring.  Which he did on Friday!  It should be arriving on Wednesday or Thursday.  Im very excited to have one finally.  Mainly because I am a girl, and girls want that symbol, but it seems very important to him as well.  He is maybe more excited than I am.  Next step is to be married...  Courthouse wedding with maybe a nice day planned and nice dinner somewhere, or a nice dinner we make together.  Thats honestly a perfect night to me.  

So now I am going to take a few steps back and talk about christmas.  

Christmas consisted of Tom, me of course, his three children, my mother, my sister, and my grandparents.  Misty's father did not come.  Nor did anyone else.  Which wound up being fine by me!  I woke up very early, took a shower, got dressed, and made Tom wake up, get dressed, then I lit candles, put on some beautiful christmas music and began slowly making more noise in the house.  The Faery Tree looked amazing with all of the presents under it.  It glowed a beautiful purple glow and if it could sing Im sure it would have been singing.  Humming a celtic hymn perhaps!  The kids woke up one by one and when they saw the tree with all of the presents under it they were just overcome with joy!  Which of course made me very happy!  

The rest of the day was filled with me cooking, snacking, drinking, laughing, and spending time with my Grandfather and Grandmother.  Two people who make my world go around!  I simple adore them and would do anything for them.  Those are my notes on Christmas...

So here it is eleven days into January and we have had a decent eleven days...  Its super cold here in Central Florida and so something weird could have happened...  It was possibly going to snow.  If the planets aligned just right and Saturn would be somewhere, and if it rained and was this specific temp, it would have rained...  But instead in Kissimmee we got Sleet!  Any many other places around Central Florida.  I thought it was very cool.  This was Saturday morning.  Im also kind of sick, well not kind of, I am sick, Im just laying in bed with my mind racing and nothing to do, I have slept all I can and I don't wanna watch another movie just yet.  So Im doing this instead.  Some wild animal managed to shred my ducts under my home and my heater was not blowing air into my home.  We were freezing here several nights until we finally got it repaired.  So now I am warm and toasty!  I made crab stuffed portabello mushrooms for tom the other night with some baked pasta, which I am about to dig into.  He has been such a wonderful help to me since I have been feeling terrible.  I can't breathe and he brings me my nose strips, and he makes me take vitamins and whips up the thera-flu for me.  He is so wonderful!  He also make me Chai with Honey and it tastes so good!  

Thats pretty much it.  I miss the kids, its hard to believe Im going to be a step mom soon.  I better buy some mom jeans and some keds!  LOL!  The recipe for the mushrooms is coming soon, maybe today!