Pudding

This christmas seems like a disaster compared to last years christmas. I have no plans at all. I suppose some may feel that having all of your family over and cooking a big meal and children running around sounds like a stress filled day and with my family, believe me it could end with blows to the head but I feel sad and alone. I want my little jellybeans running around playing with their toys and I want my mom (as crazy as she is) to be here making me angry and annoying the hell out of me. I want my grandma to be in the kitchen right behind me setting things up and I want my husband getting a little tipsy so he can deal with my mother. I want my grandpa on the couch asking me questions about what I am making and telling me "Oh boy I Can't Wait to Taste That" or "You are Making it all From Scratch?"

Once I slaved over a stove when I lived next door to my grandparents making Butternut Squash Bisque. I was very proud of it. It tasted amazing but was a little on the thick side. It was my first try at that recipe. I got out my fancy plate and my fancy bowl, I poured the bisque into the bowl. I topped it with cool whip, and garnished it with a sprig of mint. Walked it over to my grandfathers house next door and sat him down and made him taste it. He began doing the typical ummmss and other sounds when someone tries something they like. He took a couple more spoonfuls and asked me what it was called again. I answered with "It's Butternut Squash Bisque Papa... Its Like Soup... Bisque is Like a Soup." He replies with... "Its More Like a Pudding, isn't it?" I said yeah Papa I guess it is... Laughing my ass off. I would give anything to hear him say that again. Just the tone of his voice made me crack up uncontrollably. He took the seriousness of the hours it took to make it out. Just threw it out the window and made me relax. I miss him. Last Christmas was my last with him. He didn't do much that day, and was confused about most things in general but I could see him, hear him, and smell him. Now I just have a memory. And although they certainly are the best memories a "grand" daughter could ask for, I want him here.

Tomorrow my grandfather would want me to drive to my grandmothers house and pick her up and do something special with her. Im crying, right now. Tears are rolling down my face. I think I will do what would make him proud and I think I will do what will make her happy tomorrow since it is her first Christmas without him as well. Oh god! I just want him here! Right now! I wish you could show me a sign, push something over, turn a light on, touch me. I love you My "GRAND' father. I miss you everyday.